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Letter from redneck mom to redneck son

Dear Redneck Son;

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so
we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved
so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain
and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just
like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him
out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated
and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already
sealed.